Monday, May 17, 2010

Tonight

I'm finally going to sleep in my new bedroom!

It's quiet in here, and it's odd to be able to keep the lamp on without worrying about keeping anyone else awake who wants to go to bed early. It's odd to be able to talk aloud and know that no one overhears me. (Well, unless they're standing in the hallway, in line for the bathroom.)

My new mattress is oh-so-comfortable, and I can't wait to assemble my new bedstead tomorrow and see it in my room instead of the basement. It's not really completely new; I (with lots of help from Curtis and Dad) made it from 2x4s, 2x2s, and the headboard Mom used when she was a little girl. Once my bed is all put together, I'll just have to build 3 more shelves, sew two curtains, and pick up and organize my clutter; then my new room should be done. It will be nice to not have a 3-foot long To Do list that centers around my room. I love interior design, but I do have a life to lead that concerns other, more important, things!

I just came from my younger sisters' bedroom. I was comforting them because they were feeling lonely. I walked the fine line of encouraging them, while not making myself teary-eyed. Heartache is still so close; just a arm's reach away, if I were to reach out and pull it in. But I don't want to. I want to "let go and trust God," as the saying goes. I feel as if I've been on a long journey during the past month. So much has happened inside my heart.

Have you ever tried to keep a journal? I have several journals, and I consider myself fairly good at keeping up with them, but it wasn't always so. I remember trying to keep a journal when I was little, and I was under the mistaken impression that some unwritten rule exists that says if you are going to keep a journal, you must write in it every single day of your existence. If I missed a day...or two....or three....I felt compelled to go back and write about each one before I could continue on; but before I had caught up, I had missed yet another day, which set me back even farther. Before long, I had so many days to catch up on that it overwhelmed me and I just gave up journaling....until the next time I spotted a cute journal in the Dollar Store.

That's exactly the way I feel now; there's so much to catch you up on, and yet if I take the time to go back and fill you in on every little thing that has happened, I won't get to tell you about now...today. The things that filled my heart on Sunday will be cold and stale by the time I get around to writing about them. The little jokes that happened around the supper table two nights ago will be gone from my memory by the time I get to writing about that day.

What I'd love to do is write a veeeeery long post, to catch you up to present-day, and then continue on very orderly. I love order. But sometimes order isn't very practical.

Like now. If I insist on catching you up on all the yesterdays, I'll never write about the todays.

But you must hear about the yesterdays. They were so full. So amazing.

I've been holding myself in, lately. I haven't written about what's going on now because I haven't finished telling you about what happened then. I still have wedding pictures to post! And I still must tell you all about the week following the wedding. But by trying to "catch up" before I write about the "here and now," I'm missing out on telling you all sorts of fabulous things.

So I think I'm going to give up. I'm just gonna write what's on my heart, and in-between I'll post pictures and memories of Heather and Eugene's wedding. Those pictures and memories aren't going anywhere; the memories are too strong, and the pictures are stored on my computer.

I feel better, having written this post. I've written too many posts, lately, that promise "wedding talk coming soon!" when what I wanted to write was "guess what I thought of in church this Sunday?" and "guess what's happening in the garden this week?" and "look at this cool idea!" My life is starting to get back to normal, but my blog is stuck in journal-catch-up land.

No longer. From now on, I'll just forget about proper order and write what I feel like writing. I'll still get those pictures and wedding stories up here sometime, but I'm not gonna swallow perfectly good blog posts because they "haven't happened yet." It isn't fair to you, and it's bothersome to me.

Anyway. It's getting late here, and I must be up early tomorrow. That's the story of my life, lately: no time for computer; must be up early tomorrow! Ah, well, I've been getting a lot done! Wonderful days of business.

Can't wait to tell you all about it.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amber,
Thats just how I feel when I (try)
to keep up with a journal:).

Tiffany

Amanda said...

That's alright! I enjoy all of your posts (even when I don't have time to read them extremely often...); it doesn't matter to me which order they're put up in!! ;) Just keep writing when and what you feel like writing! LOL