Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Three strikes....

...and I'm out.

Double points for almost bonking my head against a wall while leaning back on my bed five minutes ago.

Triple points for scratching myself with my own nails twice inside of ten minutes.

Accidentally, of course.

I also get points for giving into worry and fretting, for running away from problems instead of dealing with them, and for blaming other people when circumstances make me unhappy. Lots and lots of points.

And in this game, like golf (though I've never played the game and have no interest in it), we're trying for the lower end of the score card.

So, if I make mix my metaphors, I've struck out. So0000 glad it's bedtime! Kinda.

(Which, incidentally, means I should be in bed, not here, especially since I have to get up at 5:00 am [which is my own fault] but who's paying attention to little details like that? I could use another point.)

Don't you just love run-on parenthetical remarks?

I admit it; I am NOT writing this blog post because I have any remarkable bit of wisdom or advice to share, or a funny story, or a heart-warming tale. I'm clattering away at the keyboard because I need to release a bit of frustration and grief, and you poor readers are always so sweet, to hear me out.

I had "one of those days" today. From start to finish, things went wrong, I didn't have enough time to do what I wanted. The computer was slow, I woke up late, I didn't have ingredients, I double-booked my know how it goes.

But that wasn't what was so hard. We all have days like that. Sometimes they just give us a day to laugh at ourselves, and everything is okay. Other times we learn through struggles, and we're okay.

I didn't feel okay.

All day long, a fluttering panic-y feeling was growing in my heart. Worry. Fretting. Anxious. I couldn't stop thinking about issues as small as, "WhatEVER am I going to find to wear tomorrow when my closet is empty and I don't have time to do laundry today?" or as big as, "How in the WORLD am I going to pay for everything I have to pay for next month?"

I was a failure. I knew it. I was miserable. My life wasn't going anywhere. I was on a treadmill and couldn't get off. I could feel my emotions getting the better of me, and that was what bothered me. Difficulties are a part of life, and it's just part of being an adult to expect them, but when I succumb to them instead of facing them, that.....that is horrible.

Sometimes the problems are not truly world-threatening issues - like "what am I going to wear?" Other times they are truly problems; like, "what are my customers going to think of me if I can't bake their order because I don't have the ingredients?!?!"

But my response is real in either case. If I fall into tears and frustration and worry because of clothes, it's just as much of a pit as if it were something more important. And I'm not supposed to live in pits. I'm a child of the King.

And I knew that. I kept telling myself that. "Snap out of it, Amber - you're silly to mope like this with all Christ has done for you!" But I didn't want to snap out of it. I was miserable and wanted to mope. ...Sorta.

The only verse that kept going through my mind was, "for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

Okay, Lord. This is Your will. And that is Your will. And that too? Okay, that too. All this stuff is happening to me because You let it. And it's going to be okay. All right. Okay. If You say so.

I held onto that idea like a lifeline, for that is what it was.

I lived long enough to know that if I hold on long enough, all the sudden my eyes adjust and I can see the Son again. He is there all along, but I just have to be patient. It seemed a long wait today.

So I sat down to vent while I was waiting.

You know what's funny? As I wrote my list of "point achievements," I started noticing what I couldn't write down. Strange, huh?

I wrote down "Rotten Attitude," then thought "well, I was tired and sad, and sighed a lot, but I wasn't exactly rotten. God gave me grace to have several kind moments toward others, actually, now that I think about it." Backspace that.

I typed out "Being Lazy," and remembered the hour I wanted to spend doing something - anything - mindless on my computer, but instead forced myself to be glued to a chair working on measuring garments for my website. And I remembered the photos of those same garments I wanted to put off doing, and didn't. And I cleaned the living room. And printed out flyers for my bakery business. And wrote a blog post on my other blog. And made breakfast. And practiced my fiddle.

I may not have accomplished everything I wanted to today, but I know in my heart I wasn't lazy. That started a warm flutter in my chest.

Maybe today wasn't a waste. Maybe God answered my prayer of this morning - that He would use this day for His purposes. And tomorrow isn't going to be so bad - even if I have to get up at 5:00. God is in control. This is a beautiful life. The weather is gorgeous. My bedroom window is open. The crickets are chirping, and cool air is flowing through the screen. No cats fighting beneath it tonight, unlike last night. :)

God has whispered to my heart. Circumstances haven't changed. I don't have an extra hour in my day tomorrow, and I'm certainly no richer, but I'm okay. In fact...I feel a smile coming on. My first smile in several hours.

I did. I smiled. And what's this? Tears? I managed not to really cry today. But now I am. I'm happy. It feels so good to smile. It feels so good to let go and know that He is God. The big things, and the little things, are in His hands.

I think I'll sleep well tonight.

No comments: