Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Do you ever go through phases in your life when you feel really private? I do.

When I'm in one of those moods, I change from being a chatterbox and outgoing to waiting to talk until someone talks to me first. I listen more. I cry more. I usually feel sorry for myself more. Yet even my thoughts are quieter. I feel almost like my brain is walking in its sleep, if that makes any sense. I have a hard time writing, because writing is, after all, a form of communication, and I don't feel like communicating.

Well, that's not totally honest. I do want to communicate - I just want everybody to know what I'm thinking, without me going through the bother of telling them. And, when they can't perform that marvelous feat, I roll my eyes and decided it's perfectly hopeless to tell them anything.

I feel like I don't have anything to say; anything to add to the conversation. When I do think of something, somebody else says it first. I feel like a turtle, pulled into my shell, watching the world go by through the narrow slit in front. I do an awful lot of observing and listening. Then I feel hurt because nobody notices that I'm watching them.

Honestly - it's a bizarre mood to be in.

Some of the time, I'm not a private person. Nope. Not. At. All.

I am the terror of my mother, who wonders why I feel the need to live my life before the world. (And who will no doubt wonder why I wrote that.) I try not to be; really. For her sake, if for no other reason. But I really don't mind people knowing what I'm thinking; what are thoughts for, if not to be shared? I dream of being interviewed by someone - anyone - and having folks all over the world reading or hearing what I said.

But not when I get into these moods. Right now, the mere thought of telling someone what's going on in my mind makes me mad. I'll talk when I'm good and ready, thank you very much. (Of course, once this mood wears off and I'm dying to talk to someone, you'd better ask me how I'm doing.) Writing is a pain, except in journals and other private spheres (WHY, oh why, did I have to fill up my very last blank journal last month????)

It's the perfect mood for editing my writing. I can easily delete whole chunks of paragraphs that in other moments I would cringe at taking out. (Of course, there's always the temptation to just get rid of the whole book, which isn't so great a side-effect of this mood.)

But as far as blogs go, this mood has a devastating affect. Quite crippling, if you know what I mean. The mere fact that I have taken the trouble to write a blog post explaining why-I'm-not-writing-a-blog-post is a huge miracle in and of itself. Of course, you are missing out on about 3 paragraphs which I removed from or thought of but never typed out in this post, but what you don't read won't hurt you.

By the way, if you feel like you've been reading blog posts like this for quite awhile (interspersed by a few "I'm so busy!" and "Just a quick note!" posts) here on The Fruit Of Her Hands....

....I'm afraid you're right.

The thing to do is not consider these as non-posts, but actual posts, because they do fill you in on what's happening in my life, right? Instead of sighing and wishing I would get around to writing something interesting, please look at these posts as a sign that I'm a lot like the average human girl; I struggle with things. I don't think I really believe in "mid-life crisis" or "teen crisis," or all those theories about predictable struggles, (what? Life - predictable??) but I do believe we go through patches of different kinds of path on our journey. Remember Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress"? He covered all sorts of territory, from the enchanted ground, to Giant Despair's Castle, to the valley of the shadow of death, to Mt. Zion. And my pathway is leading through a time when I don't feel the urge to do much blogging.

I've thought about giving up blogging - specially when I see other girls, whose blogs I read, doing it. ...And especially when I don't get a response from what I do write. But I can't bear to. I like it here.

I like you. ...Ruth Ann, ....Sarah, ...Hannah, ...Alethea Jordan, ...Julia, ...Lulu, ...Amanda, ...Jessi, ...Kathryn, ...Sarah Jane, ...Barbara, ...Jenny P., ...Anna, ...Melanie, ...... and several others. :)

You see? I'm not just eating air when I say I know who you are and I love knowing you through the Internet. You're a blessing to me.

So I just want to say hello. Hello, and I hope you're having a blessed day. Did you remember that yesterday was the first day of summer? Isn't that exciting?! I celebrated by cutting two sprigs from our Rose of Sharon bushes and putting them in a vase on my bed-side bookshelf. They have rose and purple blooms, and make the whole room lovelier.


Barbara said...

Hello back sweetie, and if we all are honest we have those same thoughts and feelings, days we a not fit to be around, so you just help your self, get it out and over and you will be back to your sweet self in no time, here are some special hugs just for you
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Have a blessed day, and know you are a blessing to each of us, love you much...

Jenny P. said...

Just wanted to drop you a line: I hear you; I sympathize; I understand -- I have the same moods. They're usually marked by a transition, sometimes one I'm aware of (like your dear sister getting married, which while happy is a huge transition, for all of you) and sometimes they're more subconcious. It's all a part of living this life God's given us to live. God bless you, Amber!

Anonymous said...

Dear Amber,

I would say that going through this kind of mood is a way of reflecting. Take this time to do just that.

Don't feel that you have to communicate anything...in a way, blogging is a form of communication but with your fingers. Sometimes, it is hard to do just that...while other times, all you want to do is sit down and write to your hearts content :)

I am sure this mood will pass and you would have learn quite a bit from it.


simply, Maria

Deb said...

Hi Amber ~ I'm not one of your regular commenters; in fact I only became a regular reader once I met you and your family earlier this year. Of course, I knew that H & S read your blog but had no clue who you were so never bothered to check into it....just being honest. :) But now that I can put a face to the blog, I love your style of writing; it's very readable, and I've enjoyed every post. I enjoy reading your thoughts and am glad you won't give up blogging anytime soon, anyway. Thank you for encouraging my girls with your posts. ~ Mrs. G

Amber said...

You guys are the sweetest. Thanks. <3 <3

Ruth Ann said...

aww, you're so sweet!

oh Amber...umm, no, I'd forgotten. And you just enlightened me and reminded me that summer is *finally* here. I really haven't though about it. That's how crazy my life has been.

anyhow, that DOES explain the weather lately. HOT.

love you too, and I know about the crying, and thinking...

God bless you today! :)

Sarah said...

Oh, I know how that mood is! We'll be here when you feel like blogging more. :)

Sarah Jane said...

I too get moods like that from time to time. . .and I tend in my private moods to be annoyed with myself for sharing things in my outgoing moods. :)

All your posts, whether brief or lengthy, have been an encouragement to me and God is using you and working in you, whether you share here on this blog or not! He will let you know when it is time to open your heart to this blog again - and in the meantime, enjoy today!

God Bless!