Hello

Do you ever go through phases in your life when you feel really private? I do.

When I'm in one of those moods, I change from being a chatterbox and outgoing to waiting to talk until someone talks to me first. I listen more. I cry more. I usually feel sorry for myself more. Yet even my thoughts are quieter. I feel almost like my brain is walking in its sleep, if that makes any sense. I have a hard time writing, because writing is, after all, a form of communication, and I don't feel like communicating.

Well, that's not totally honest. I do want to communicate - I just want everybody to know what I'm thinking, without me going through the bother of telling them. And, when they can't perform that marvelous feat, I roll my eyes and decided it's perfectly hopeless to tell them anything.

I feel like I don't have anything to say; anything to add to the conversation. When I do think of something, somebody else says it first. I feel like a turtle, pulled into my shell, watching the world go by through the narrow slit in front. I do an awful lot of observing and listening. Then I feel hurt because nobody notices that I'm watching them.

Honestly - it's a bizarre mood to be in.

Some of the time, I'm not a private person. Nope. Not. At. All.

I am the terror of my mother, who wonders why I feel the need to live my life before the world. (And who will no doubt wonder why I wrote that.) I try not to be; really. For her sake, if for no other reason. But I really don't mind people knowing what I'm thinking; what are thoughts for, if not to be shared? I dream of being interviewed by someone - anyone - and having folks all over the world reading or hearing what I said.

But not when I get into these moods. Right now, the mere thought of telling someone what's going on in my mind makes me mad. I'll talk when I'm good and ready, thank you very much. (Of course, once this mood wears off and I'm dying to talk to someone, you'd better ask me how I'm doing.) Writing is a pain, except in journals and other private spheres (WHY, oh why, did I have to fill up my very last blank journal last month????)

It's the perfect mood for editing my writing. I can easily delete whole chunks of paragraphs that in other moments I would cringe at taking out. (Of course, there's always the temptation to just get rid of the whole book, which isn't so great a side-effect of this mood.)

But as far as blogs go, this mood has a devastating affect. Quite crippling, if you know what I mean. The mere fact that I have taken the trouble to write a blog post explaining why-I'm-not-writing-a-blog-post is a huge miracle in and of itself. Of course, you are missing out on about 3 paragraphs which I removed from or thought of but never typed out in this post, but what you don't read won't hurt you.

By the way, if you feel like you've been reading blog posts like this for quite awhile (interspersed by a few "I'm so busy!" and "Just a quick note!" posts) here on The Fruit Of Her Hands....

....I'm afraid you're right.

The thing to do is not consider these as non-posts, but actual posts, because they do fill you in on what's happening in my life, right? Instead of sighing and wishing I would get around to writing something interesting, please look at these posts as a sign that I'm a lot like the average human girl; I struggle with things. I don't think I really believe in "mid-life crisis" or "teen crisis," or all those theories about predictable struggles, (what? Life - predictable??) but I do believe we go through patches of different kinds of path on our journey. Remember Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress"? He covered all sorts of territory, from the enchanted ground, to Giant Despair's Castle, to the valley of the shadow of death, to Mt. Zion. And my pathway is leading through a time when I don't feel the urge to do much blogging.

I've thought about giving up blogging - specially when I see other girls, whose blogs I read, doing it. ...And especially when I don't get a response from what I do write. But I can't bear to. I like it here.

I like you. ...Ruth Ann, ....Sarah, ...Hannah, ...Alethea Jordan, ...Julia, ...Lulu, ...Amanda, ...Jessi, ...Kathryn, ...Sarah Jane, ...Barbara, ...Jenny P., ...Anna, ...Melanie, ...... and several others. :)

You see? I'm not just eating air when I say I know who you are and I love knowing you through the Internet. You're a blessing to me.

So I just want to say hello. Hello, and I hope you're having a blessed day. Did you remember that yesterday was the first day of summer? Isn't that exciting?! I celebrated by cutting two sprigs from our Rose of Sharon bushes and putting them in a vase on my bed-side bookshelf. They have rose and purple blooms, and make the whole room lovelier.